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  • Jessica Hazuda

What Am I Even Doing?

I have a lot to say. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, I can't help it my moon is in Gemini. I honestly don't know how to start this post, it feels like a million things are running through my mind going a million miles a hour and I can't just grab the one thought and place it down to my finger tips and type. I've been feeling scared, anxious, excited and really freaking happy. I feel myself slowly turning this corner with my career and kind of finding my place in this world, but I still feel lost and unsure where that place really is.


I am financially a wreck. I keep spending each paycheck on my kit, commuting into NYC and for food. My anxiety makes me feel like I'm in a laundry basket sliding down a thing of stairs and drinking coffee never helps. I talk to myself on my way to gigs hyping myself up saying, "I got this" and that quitting all of my part time jobs was the right thing to do and diving head first into my career will work out in the end. I mean how can it not? If you're investing your heart, soul and coin it has to work out in the end. I guess that's what I tell myself.


I was just telling my dad, well more like laughing about how broke I am that turned into a soft whimper, that I think this is the part in the story where the main character says "I'm broke and I don't know what I'm doing anymore" and then the writer lets the main character get everything they always wanted and hoped for. I mean isn't this just the Truman Show? Can the writers just finally send me my golden goose.


And guess what, in some ways they already have. I am booked more than I ever have been in my whole entire careers existence and I am meeting truly amazing people that believe in me. I am being shown a whole entire new world and being severely pushed outside my comfort zone. The opportunities are slowly but surely coming, some quicker than others, but they are there. Some of these opportunities are so great is has me thinking, "wait a second, you want to work with me?"


I feel like such a newb and nobody. I don't have this huge clientele list, I don't have the biggest connections and yet people still want to work with me. I'm having serious imposter syndrome where I'm just waiting for the email to say, "thanks but we're going to use a different make up artist with a bigger following and much more experience". Luckily, that message hasn't come yet and the amount of love and support I have been receiving literally makes me teary eyed thinking about. I'm eternally grateful for every single person I have met in the last couple of months wanting to work with me and continue to work with me. Even though I've been doing makeup since I was 19 years old and I'm 24 now, I feel like I'm back in the first year of doing makeup. It's like the last four or five years were my prologue and now were on chapter 1.


Sometimes I just want to skip to the chapter where I'm finically stable living in my dream apartment with Ed and our fur babies, working and creating all the time. But, where's the fun in that? As scared and anxious I might be, I'm also extremely happy and excited. I'm really building myself and finally putting my career and artistry first. I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. I guess the only thing that would make this a tad bit easier is having a thicker pocket but, that day will come I know it. I just have to keep pushing forward, stay positive, thank the universe for all of the blessings and lessons it has been sending me, and enjoy each moment as it comes. As the great Miley Stewart aka Hannah Montana once said, "life's a climb but the view is great."


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